I’ve Missed You

I remember waking up at 4 a.m. to go see the sun rise on the top of some damn mountain. I hated that I agreed to sleep over that night. We stayed up too late playing video games but you were raring to go at 4:30 and rushing me. We were out by 4:48. My bad. I fell back asleep in the car and we made it to the mountain less than an hour later. The first part of the hike was fine. Then came the harder parts. Then I was sweating. Then my feet couldn’t touch the ground. More climbing. Finally made it to the top. Only a few others were around but the view was amazing! I fell for you all over again. I thanked you for the experience but asked if we could take the wide fire road back down instead. You laughed and obliged. I know you appreciated being able to talk more than on the way up.

I remember cooking meals with you, secretly wishing you would get out of my kitchen because you were in the way and not seasoning things quite like I like, but I didn’t want you to leave. I remember talking to you until midnight and 1 and even 3 a.m. knowing that I had to be up at 630. I was late to everything those days, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I remember reading in bed and just touching legs and feet. Nothing beyond that. I remember when you would fall asleep reading. I would put the book up, turn out your light, and kiss you good night. I either would sleep right away or keep reading, but no matter what happened, instinctively you would roll over and nudge me to be held try to hold me, which was always amazing because I’m a furnace when I cuddle. You were a trooper for enduring that heat!

You laying in my lap when watching a movie. You falling asleep. Heh. You arguing with me, trying to figure out my mindset behind something you couldn’t understand, hoping that you hadn’t lost me to the game. Holding hands in the movie theater. Eating your cooking and you eating mine. We bathed each other in love, water, embraces, and care. We looked out for each other. We cared about each other’s loved ones. We talked about the most mundane things without ever getting bored.

I was free to be my weird self around you and you lapped it up as I enjoyed you being yourself. And that’s what I miss most about you.

I thought I found you in different places and different faces while in different spaces, but they weren’t you. They had glimpses of you but they weren’t the full package. A couple of times I think I foolishly rejected you when you came back because it didn’t fit an ideal image in my mind. And I’m so sorry I did that to you. Yeah, everything for a reason, but sometimes I need to let myself be open to all the possible forms you take in coming back to me.

You never give up on me. You always try to reconnect in some way. You need me as much as I need you. I’m sorry for hurting myself in trying to find you. That’s not how you operate. I’ve always found you when I haven’t been looking. You show up at the right time. I don’t need to be a possessed savage, fangs bared, blades pointed, cutting away at someone trying to get you to come out and only walk away with something resembling you that isn’t you taken out of my fresh kill as I tend to my own wounds. Please forgive me for hunting you. That’s not how you’re found. You live in a palace, not in the wild. You clothe me with dignity, regality, respect, and love.

I think, even now, I’m actually seeing you in the oddest of places. You’ve taken on the oddest form yet but one of the most comforting. Fortunately, I’m calm enough to let us reconnect again without rushing, panic, or fear. I almost rejected you again because my mind couldn’t rationalize what was happening, but this time I’m rolling with it. I’ll sit down next to you, be calm, take you in as you take me in, and enjoy you fully for however long you stay this time.

Keene Point of View 02152013

HAPPY FRIDAY!

This week I’m talmbout Scandal (no spoilers), State of the Union speech, Illinois Senate and gay marriage, Chris Brown and Frank Ocean (and Frank’s utter boredom at the Grammys), Jesus’s retirement (the Pope is resigning), and I want to know if Jesus Christ is your nigga. Enjoy!

New Video at Keene Point of View

Click here to watch: http://keenepointofview.com/blog/2013/02/08/keene-point-of-view-02082013/

Thanks!

John McCain Embarrasses Us Again

Today’s post at Keene Point of View: http://keenepointofview.com/blog/2013/02/04/john-mccain-embarrasses-us-again/

Check it out!

Latest Vlog: Keene Point of View 02012013

This week I talk about why I missed Scandal (boo!), how North Korea and Iran are playing with their lives, why Chris Culliver sucks…possibly more than just in the figurative sense, what Jesus has done for you, and why I feel it’s wrong to have political statements from the pulpit. Finally, I wrap it up in a nice big “Farewell to 30 Rock” bow. They aired their last episode Thursday night and I thank them for 7 great seasons!

Please watch and enjoy! Thanks!

I’m Over Here (Mostly)!

Just a friendly reminder. I’m over here now. Join me there for blogs relevant to politics, Christianity, and gay issues. I also do a weekly video blog where I get ratchet (uncouth) and might grill a celebrity or three.

You can subscribe there and follow me there. I’ll keep this one for personal blogging, but it won’t be updated as much.

Thanks!

http://keenepointofview.com

New Post at Keene Point of View

*NEW BLOG POST* | “F-Bombs” | Fantasia! Azealia Banks! Perez Hilton. | Please read! Enjoy! Share! Thanks! | http://keenepointofview.com/blog/2013/01/10/f-bombs/ #ICYMI

Keene Point of View

It’s me!
(Keene Point of View)

Picture it: January 2012. After growing frustrated with all the talk against gay marriage coming from fellow Christians who were out there acting like they live perfect lives, I wanted to do more than tweet or Facebook my frustrations. I wanted Christians to get back to reaching other in Jesus’ love and winning souls for the Lord. How they ever thought someone would hear the Gospel while doing things like supporting Prop 8 in California or “standing in solidarity” with Chick-Fil-A later on in 2012 is beyond me.

While there is some truth in the standpoint that historically societies have benefitted from marriage being between a man and a woman with the purpose of producing offspring, marriage really hasn’t been about a man and woman being together in matrimony faithfully since about Genesis 4 when Lamech took two wives. Sure, that was a “permissible” custom of the time, but it just seems awfully forgetful to always say that God’s law trumps man’s laws or customs and multiple marriages were allowed, but we can’t seem to wrap our heads around the fact that marriage now includes rights such as property ownership, kingdoms, dowries, 401ks, retirement benefits, healthcare benefits, etc. Long gone are the days of simple commitment and love for one another. There is so much tied into marriage that to stand on it as something between a man and a woman in today’s day and age rings a bit hollow to me when you consider everything else that goes into it.

Things like that last paragraph really set me off all year long. However, it was January 2012 when I prayed about what to do and God, I feel, laid it on my heart to start a project/ministry (eh…maybe that’s too strong a word) of taking an alternative view to politics and gay issues with a Christian slant. It’s more about speaking out in love versus the mindset that the only good and valid Christian is a staunchly conservative Republican anti-gay heterosexual one. Jesus is above all of that.

It’s also about gay issues. An honest look at the ins and outs of it. Politics will be the same. I’m a registered Independent and have voted for Republicans and Democrats. Lately, I’m voting Blue for mostly everything because Red is currently dealing with either a massive crystal meth addiction and the resulting paranoia, or they’re just losing it.

So, the project is where politics, gay issues, and Christianity live and love each other openly in a happy ménage à trois. =^)

It’s kind of how I live, actually.

I’m a bit worried, though. How will this shake out? I’m scared, honestly, which is probably why I didn’t move on it all year. I told my parents about it. My dad didn’t say anything, but my mom is onboard because I’ve prayed about it. I delayed this decision for a long time (a full year!) but I felt God push me toward it all year and keep saying, “So, when are you going to start this?” I mentioned it to friends at their Christmas party and met someone else who is a blogger there and they like the idea and feel there is an audience for it. The only change is that they want me to do it as, what they call, my Twitter “personality”. Long story short about that – the Twitter me is the me who is safely behind a computer screen and saying things that I think without much of a filter. It’s me acting an unbridled fool. And I love every minute of it.

Now, I feel it’s me. They feel it’s not really “me,” so I’ll find a happy medium with this project. The YouTube channel is being set up. The Twitter handle has changed. The domain has been purchased. WordPress dot org has been downloaded and installed. I’m nervous as all get out about this. I honestly don’t feel I’m equipped to do this because I have dirt in my past/present and things that aren’t 100% correct for me to invoke Jesus into what I’m doing, but here I go, stepping out into darkness (or what I feel is darkness) and seeing what happens. It may be nothing, something, or just enough.

We’ll see. The project is Keene Point of View, which is a pun on my last name and describes what this will be – my opinions on stuff. Politics, gay issues, Christianity…and sometimes bits and pieces of me and other stuff rarely – like Scandal, which is the show you MUST watch now. Go Hulu/Netflix it! It’s on Thursdays at 10p EST on ABC!

http://keenepointofview.com (not set up yet)
Twitter: @KPOView
YouTube: KeenePointOfView

Interracial Dating: Instructional Tip

This post comes from a personal place. I can speak on interracial dating and relationships because, well, that’s mostly what I’ve done. I’ve only dated about 5 people in my race. My three longest dating/relationships were with whites. There have been a couple Asians and a couple Latins (the danger zone…for me. That’s a compliment, not slander, but for the two I was seriously into, the willpower just evaporated…but that’s a story for another time that you’ll never read about unless it’s in my memoir long after I’m rich, famous, and well-loved), one Indian, and a few mixed people, but most have been white.

This is HOT!
Source: Ranierm @ WordPress

So, I’m reading on Twitter today and come across this from @GinoTheGhost:

Most black women don’t appreciate white men then spend all day on here complaining about black men. Either get familiar or shut the hell up.

Sigh.

Groan.

Headdesk.

Gino is white. This tweet supposes (based on its wording) that the solution to black women’s frustration isn’t to stop dealing with the same guy over and over, it’s to find a white man to make everything better. I asked if that’s what he meant. He said no.

Yeah, black women do complain a lot about black men on Twitter – daily. Black men also slander black women on Twitter –daily.

That post-for-another-day being said, I think what he meant to say was that if black women are so upset with black men all the time (enough to voice frustration in front of strangers on Twitter), why don’t black women consider white men? The “shut the hell up” part also rubs me incorrectly because it’s like he’s saying that black women aren’t allowed to voice their opinions and frustrations. As much as he may tire of reading it, I don’t see any reason that they should stop. It’s a free country.

I’ve said for a long time that if you’re frustrated with trying to find a needle in the haystack-of-same-skin-tone, maybe you could try looking in another haystack. If you know that’s not for you, then keep looking but get better with weeding out the hay with pointy ends from the needle. When you recognize signs of the same thing from before, that’s your cue to leave. If you want to stay, just know that you’re staying after someone’s already revealed who they are. And you don’t like who they are.

Does a white man have a right to tell a black woman to shut up like that just because he’s tired of reading the same old things with regard to black men? I learned that he has a black girlfriend (so I read on Twitter). I also read other feeds of white men in relationships with black women. They seem to be a little loose and familiar with racial topics on their feeds.

I’m okay with interracial relationships that have honest perspectives on race. Let’s discuss the realities and not shy away from them. I get it. I’ve done that with success. However, I would not ever try to speak with authority on white culture as someone who experiences it because, well, I am not a part of that world. In the same vein, whites are not part of the black world in this instance and they should be peaceful ambassadorial observers at best, like I am when I date. What’s important at the end of the day is how we relate, but race plays a big part of this because we’re in America, which hasn’t ever dealt with repercussions from slavery and are dealing with a part of the population that feels they can address the black President of the United States like he’s a shoeshine boy.

Bottom line: Just because you’re in an interracial relationship, that does not give you license to become some sort of authority on what’s best for other races. You can have an opinion, but that’s about it. Don’t try to give advice or instructions. You don’t always know best. But then again, knowing what’s best is something that white people love to do. I read it in a book.

This is a hilarious book that started as a hilarious blog.

The Problem With Porn

It’s enthralling. The first time I saw a porn flick I was at my godbrother’s house and we were in his parents’ room getting ready to watch some kids’ movie. I hit “play” just to see what was already in the VCR. A man and woman were doing things by a motorcycle, then there were other samples of movies.

I realized, at 13, that I was watching people have sex. It looked gross but yet I couldn’t turn away. I couldn’t get those images out of my mind. We put the tape away in his parents’ armoire, so one of them had to know that we saw it. No, we didn’t keep it out and put it back after watching the cartoon. We didn’t rewind it to the point where it started.

I had always imagined what sex looked like prior to then. I only had my imagination and ideas from talking about it on the back of the school bus ever since I was 10 years old. When I finally had the sex talk with my dad at 12, he laughed at what I thought sex was and how a woman got pregnant. My older cousin had told me that a man stuck his penis inside the woman and urinated into her vagina and that’s how a baby is made. Yes, from urine. My dad actually laughed a lot at that.

But is it real?

Armed with what I knew about the birds and the bees, I looked at those scenes and wondered why no one was using condoms, how the women didn’t wind up pregnant, why so many of them had every other tooth in place, and a lot of other questions about attraction, comfort with being naked, wondering how many people were in the room, how comfortable someone was with their genitals being filmed so closely, etc.

Ever since then I’ve gone back and forth with watching and not watching. The Internet made it all too available in college and when you have a dorm room alone…oh boy. First were pay sites, fake names, and newsgroups. Now there is no excuse for paying for porn online. It’s the number one Internet revenue stream for the economy and bootlegging has not diminished its standing. The music industry could take a cue from this, but I digress.

So, porn is addictive. Some people don’t get into it out of a commitment to Jesus or just not ever really liking it. They feel their imagination is better than whatever a porn director can come up with. Some people like making their own and sharing it with the world.

Overall I feel that porn is problematic for several reasons:

1. Porn creates a sense of fantasy that too many people try to act out in real life.

Porn plots are as tight as a puddle of water on a flat pavement. No one’s life plays out like this:

Doorbell rings –

Woman: Hi.
Man: Hi. My car broke down outside. Can I use your phone?
Woman: Sure.
Man (finished making call to wife): Thanks. My wife will be here soon but it’s rush hour so it’ll take her about 45 minutes to an hour.
Woman: Oh, well you can stay here. I have an idea how you can thank me properly for using my phone for a 30-second phone call.
Man: Yeah, you do.

*Bow chicka bow wow*

I’ve seen so many single men (gay and straight) act like this in their lives. Even if you happen upon a similar scenario in your life, it’s not one that gets played out consistently. On top of this, from what I understand, it’s never as hot in real life as the scene seems to portray. People have body odor, the man above is probably a bit funky from trying to figure out what’s wrong with his car on a hot day under a hot hood (and stress from being stranded). There’s no telling if the woman above bathed that day yet. So many variables.

I’ve seen (live, in front of me at a party) where someone gave a compliment to someone and that person said, “Thank you. Show me how cute you think I am,” and proceeded to make out with the one who gave the compliment. A group of us watched and asked aloud, “Is this really happening? Is this a porn set?”

2. Porn provides unrealistic expectations of what sex with be like in a relationship or marriage.

Your body has limits for positions and the views you have during sex are of your ceiling, sheets, wall, floor, or partner’s face. You will not see what the camera sees during sex, even if you film it yourself. Also, your sex will probably not last as long as that 30-minute scene. If you expect that, you will be disappointed. Your body also has limits for constant assault without some numbing agents too.

3. No one has STDs in porn plots.

Well, some companies may specialize in this. If you can think of it, there’s already a porn for it. But overall, everyone is healthy as a bull…and has sex like one.

4. No one gets pregnant in porn plots.

Don’t try that at home.

5. Everyone is automatically mutually attracted to the object of their affection.

Again, this doesn’t happen in real life. Porn set the expectation that anyone you hit on with your cheesiest pickup line in a bar or club will be so turned on that they’ll have sex with you in the nearest bathroom. Doesn’t happen.

6. Sex is a tool, but porn makes it a weapon.

Porn weaponizes sex. It makes sex the first thing you think about when approaching someone (if you indulge it enough times). It makes someone who is being approached think of sex first instead of getting to know someone. You walk out into the dating world with your sex swords drawn hoping to draw first blood on someone when you should have your shield up and slowly let it down as you engage someone.

7. Porn dehumanizes and devalues people.

What I mean by this is that it turns people into objects and devices for getting off. That’s the point of porn – to get your rocks off. Even if it’s “romance tips for couples” porn, it’s only there to get your rocks off. In turn, you start treating people (and yourself) as nothing more than a device to either get off or help someone else get off. I’ve seen people define themselves with terms they learned from porn. I’ve seen people want their partners to watch them have sex with random people…that’s not an idea they got in their own brain, I’m sure.

If you want to get off they sell those kinds of devices in sex stores (and on Amazon) and most of you were born with three of these items already (your two hands and your brain). I just feel that we were created to be more than the biology between our legs.

8. Porn makes it hard for people to take you seriously when you’re done with being in the industry.

Ask respected community leaders how quickly they fall from grace once they admit to indulging in it. Just ask teachers who’ve been fired for porn pasts and friends I have in the industry how hard it is to become a mainstream actor or singer after having done porn. Yes, I have friends in porn. One has done quite well. The other two have gone downhill quickly and feel left with very limited options for work.

9. Porn glorifies sex to an unhealthy level.

Kind of a repeat of #7, but it really makes sex larger than it is. Porn places importance on sex above the importance of being an actual human being – with blood, guts, emotions, memories, feeling, and love. Also, the worldwide average erect penis length for most men is 5-7 inches, with most men falling between 5-6 inches. Porn seems to dispute that and can really mess with expectations, leading to disappointment.

10. People often use porn to escape personal pain.

I’ve seen where people use porn to escape personal pain. It’s like a drug that helps you escape your reality for a few moments. It becomes a crutch from which you can’t easily escape. I’ve been there. It’s better to deal with your pain than push it off until later. It just gets nastier. I’ve even seen one person write a porn star thanking them for making their movies to get them through rough times. I’ll just let that one sit with y’all.

11. You don’t really “act” in porn.

You’re automatically a star in porn. You’re never an aspiring porn actor. If you’re in one group scene for 2.28 minutes, you’re a porn star. Where are the training programs for porn stars? I have a regularly working mainstream actor friend who met a porn star once who claimed that he was an actor too. My friend all but bit his head off. “You’re not really an actor! That’s like being filmed eating cereal. Having sex is just something you do!” Show me an Master of Fine Arts (MFA) in Porn Acting (or even an accredited course within an MFA program) and I’ll shut up about it. I’m a trained actor, so I understand my friend’s frustration.

I know that porn lovers/workers/directors/producers/actors will say it’s for entertainment and fantasy. They’ll say that porn gives you creative ideas for your sex life. However, I see it doing more harm than good lately. Young men have vastly, woefully, and completely wrong ideas about expectations from interpersonal relationships with women and the realities of sex with a real woman, and not a Jenna Jameson. It’s a very rude awakening to realize you have to grow up and live in the real world, which is a bitter reality compared to porn worlds.